As the majestic organ (played by the even more majestic Mr. Swindells, Swinny to his friends) blasts out the heavenly notes that cascade down onto the eagerly awaiting school children. The sound, the constant echoing plod of Mrs. Wilkinson’s childskin high-heels can be heard echoing around the recently renamed Wilkinson Hall, soon she is on the podium and kindly allows us to regain our seats.

Wilko:

“Good morning school, I would like to share with you something which I found unbelievable, after all the theme of this week is things we find unbelievable, when thinking about this assembly I thought of many things I found unbelievable, one thing I found was an email I recently received from a passenger on the 22 bus service. While I read this email I was filled with pride, pride for the school and the students in it and of course, myself. I don’t have time to read the full email, but I have selected my favourite part.

“I have caught this bus all of my life, from when I was a small girl at the age of 12 going to town with my mum, now I am an old woman at the age of sixty. I have to say, out of all the schools getting the bus, you” thats us, folks “you are the fifth best school ever to have got this bus in the world”

Wow. Fifth best in the world. We have done it, folks, and you should be proud. It’s going to go on the all the buses, in all the chronicles and all visitors will hear it. Now, I’m sorry I have to dash off, assembly will be cut short, I have to oversee the plastering of our new life-size replica of La Segrada Famillia. “

The light-fingered, diligent maestro of a man that is Mr Swindells plays the triumphant tune as the Headmistress marches out of Wilkinson Hall, head held high with pride. Mrs Long steps forward to injects the latest batch of male-only excitement into the eagerly awaiting students.

“Morning school, only the one match report for you today. The under 14s started off well in the first half, with a triumphant lead from Kevway, powering over the line to create a hole in the oppositions defence. The offensive from Five Ways fell during the latter parts of the first half but the strong forwards kept the defensive line steady and five ways went into the half time break 5-0 up. After a spurring speech from captain Moui… Mouia…, the one with the turban, and the team were back on track. During the second half defence was maintained with one tri being pushed over the line by Hugh Janus, the team walk away with a 79-0 win. There was some girls match somewhere, won 4-3, well done. We have joint hockey, we are balanced, we are… I promise.”

As Miss Long sits back down Mr Atherton, the light catching off his magnificent egg of a cranium, paces slowly and confidently across the stage.

“O-Only a couple of notices today, will all members of the Christian u-union please attend a short meeting today at break in R9, the topic being The Father, The Son and The Holy Wilkinson, we will also discuss the forthcoming trip to Lourdes…no, wait, thats been cancelled, the m-money has gone to the bust of Mrs. Wilkinson being built for the new football stadium. C-Could all s-students attending the White Water Weekend please hand in their Last Will and Testament by lunchtime today please. Could all users of the 22 b-bus service stay behind after assembly, we will fit you with your electronic tags so you can never escape us. Finally, all potential Oxbridge candidates can y-you please separate y-yourselves from the scum and come and see the Oxbridge team, it is quite a climb up the stirrups to mount their high horse, so please change into your PE kit beforehand. Have a wonderful Friday.”